Get Me OUT of This Place

So my family left for Italy yesterday. That's one good thing. Less stress on me, anyway. But I don't leave here until the fourth of January or so. Part of me can't wait to get back, and part of me just wants to say screw it and start over new somewhere else. But I can't run from my problems like that. I hate having things tangles and unfinished....which is how I left everything back at school. I want to go back and straighten everything out, instead of being halfway across the continent dwelling on it. I'm anxious about something...something that puts a pretty damn big smile on my face. Then there is something I am completely scared of...something that makes that smile disappear way to quickly.

I've had way too much free time here, I've decided. Although, a significant part of it was spent with my mother who made it a daily occurance to mention (to my face, nonetheless) how much she wouldn't care if I disappeared off the face of the earth and she never saw me again. Yeah, lovely, right? Welcome to my world. At least they are gone now.

So I have been so bored that I've actually started to write poetry and lyrics again...whcih I haven't done in a while. (except for the whole lyrics thing..I wrote a song a few weeks ago for a certain person) Most of it isn't very good, I haven't done it in a while. But here is part of something I wrote to finish off this EXTREMELY boring blog entry- - -

I see you with her
and I wonder if you know what you are doing
I see you with her
and I wonder if you know what's going on inside her head

I wonder if you know
that she's the one who gets weak at the knees when you look at her
I wonder if you know
that she's the one who waits by her phone for your call

Not me.

When you look at me
I wodner if you know what you are doing
When you look at me
I wonder if you know what's going on inside my head

I wonder if you know
That I'm the one whos body ignites at your touch
I wonder if you know
That I'm the one who is strengthend by memories of us together

Not her.

I Wish I Could Feel Absolutely Nothing Right Now

Haave you ever had those times where you just want to sit down and cry, and beat the living hell out of a person all at the same time? Yeah, I've pretty much felt that way for three days straight. And it's all my fault. All of it. That, in a way, makes it worse. I can't say I've ever screwed things up as bad as I have now. I'm not even sure if things can be fixed this time. But I'm going to try. And I'm not going to give up.

I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you.
And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know

I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears, thats why I need you to hear

I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know

I'm sorry.

Depressing Day

I had a dream last night. One of those where it seems so incredibly real, that you don't want to wake up. You want to spend as much time as possible relishing in the feelings that you know are only possible in the dream world. But then I woke up. It took me a moment, to realize that it was all a dream. And then I got to thinking about what would happen if the dream actual made it into real life. Then I realized that it probably wouldn't, which got me depressed. Such a mix of emotions, I went from feeling this comforting peace and amazing happiness to regret and sadness in knowing that it would never happen. So now I go about my day in thought, my mind a million other places, probably places it shouldn't be. But I cannot keep it from the forbidden places. For my mind has finally made the choice of its own.....to dwell in places that shouldn't be known.

hahaha

Poker rocks. 'Nuff said.

Throw Everything Out the Window

Sometimes I just want to shut up and let everything happen. Sometimes I just want to say, "You know what? Screw it." Sometimes I just want to give in to my emotions and see where they take me. But apparently, that always gets me into trouble. I just want to have answers to things. I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of sitting around and not doing anything about it, because I have no other choice. I mean, how hard would it be to just let go, for once, and let fate take its course? I guess when I am able to do that is when I'll fall in love and it will actually mean something.

Sometimes I marvel at how completely I screw things up. Seriously. It's inevitable. I ALWAYS screw things up. The most romantic season of the year, and I'm left here alone. Again. Although it's not as if I'm actually going to BE here for most of it. Nope, I'll be away on a fun-filled family vacation. (Anything involving my family does not deserve to be called fun-filled, I assure you.) But maybe it will help to get away for a while. Clear my head. Maybe get some perspective on things. All the while getting bombarded with questions about college and being compared to my cousin, who is my complete opposite. The worst part is, she is about a month older than me, and one of those straight-A little picture-perfect Mormon girls that you just want to smack. I bet she hasn't done one serious thing wrong in her life. Hence the fact that she's my complete opposite. I haven't seen my extended family in about three years. I think they are going to be surprised at how much I've changed. I'd have to say that I've become the significant black sheep of the family. A million things happend to me in Italy, things that changed me and made me who I am today. But no one can even begin to understand that, not even my parents. Not like anyone has particularly TRIED to understand it before....not even my friends. Which isn't saying much, considering I haven't had any REAL friends since I got to this place. But that's another story, for another time.

As for now, if anyone has ANY advice on what I should do or how I should handle things, it would be much appreciated. ;)

To Live, Love, and Forget

I give up. I'm serious. I have no other options. I have tried everything. I'm completely and utterly out of ideas. I don't know what's wrong with me, I think I've gone crazy. One little piece of news from halfway across the globe just sets me spinning out of control. Reacting on that news, I've done a million other things that prove how entirely irrational and absurd I have become. Some I regret, some I don't. I just want to hide under the covers like like I used to do as a little girl and make all the nightmares go away.

Mindless Ranting

I think this will be the most incomprehensible blog entry I've ever written. Seriously. I don't even think I am capable of forming an intelligent though right now. I just found out something that reaffirms my belief that all guys are jerks. Even the ones who at first you think, wow, he's actually a decent guy. Then they turn around and screw you over. It's inevitable. They don't care about who they hurt, as long as they get what they want. AH why the hell do they have to be so stupid and lie?? Why can't they just stick to the truth, instead of doing things behind your back?? I'm so sick of this, literally. You have no idea. I mean, you would have thought I'd have been smart enough to see what was going on right in front of me. But I guess not. And because all of my friends are barely speaking to me.....I have no one to talk to, so I just rant in this damn blog. So much for having friends that I can depend on. I have nothing more significant to say, and I'd rather sit here and boil in my anger than to try to figure out why the hell I care.

Musical Memories

Today I found myself skimming through my cd collection for lack of anything better to do. Considering I don't exactly have an immense amount of cds, I stumbled upon some older ones pretty quickly, and decided to listen to them. Listening to this music, every one reminded me of a time in my life. You know what I'm talking about, from Backstreet Boys to Nelly, they all sent my mind into a fit of memories. Some good, and some bad, but either way I could remember exactly what was happening at that time in my life. I remember all the struggles I had, and all the lessons I'd learned.....some I've forgotten. Some that I needed to remember. Then I found a couple of songs who's lyrics didn't mean much to me back then, but now they do. Music has always had a big impact in my life, hence the reason I chose it as my major. But it's moments like these that make me happy I did. So I'm going to post some of the lyrics up here....but not all of them because, well, that would be quite long. So here they are......take them however you want.

Sweetest Goodbye

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then where do we start?
I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

How does it feel to know that you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I...

Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of myheard

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did recieve...

Things Will Go My Way

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again
So hold me now
Say it's not forever
Cause maybe someday
In time
Things will go my way...
Things will go my way...

I've pushed to get through
The crowds of twisted souls
Just to find I'm right back here
Doing what I'm told
So take my hands
Don't let me surrender
Cause maybe someday
In time
Things will go my way...
Things will go my way...

From all the lies I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do?
When everything's against me
And the answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out
It was worth it all along

So hold me now
Say it's not forever
Cause I know someday
In time
Things will go my way...
Things will go my way...

Beautiful Disaster

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as dumb as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful

So that's it. I guess I'll just let the words speak for themselves.....they usually do.
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

His magical myth
As strong as with I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still leaves more than I can take
Oh cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

So that's it. I guess I'll just let the words speak for themselves.....they usually do.

WANTED: Glass Slippers........

Strange thing happened today. I found myself crying. I never cry. Ever. Although I will say that I had significantly good reason to, it's still unusual. I'm one of those people who despises crying. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable, a feeling I avoid at all costs. But this particular feeling is one that I can't seem to get to go away lately. It is always there, by my side, in whatever I do. Staring back at me when I look in the mirror, crushing in my chest whenever I think about it.

Also, I think that as more and more time passes.....I tend to have extremely negative feelings about love. I usually swing back and forth between believing in it, and believing that its some made up thing that only happens if you're Cinderella. But, alas, I own no glass slippers. Anyone who knows me knows that I haven't had the greatest past experiences with love. And as I said before, I avoid vulnerability at all costs. Love makes people vulnerable. I've tried the whole putting my heart on the line thing, and it never works out. So I stopped trying. Hence the negative feelings. And this is only about a quarter of the story about my awful love life. As if falling in love with my best guy friend who was in love with my best girl friend wasn't enough.

At the beginning of this year, I could have described my life and it would have sounded like something out of the Young and the Restless. Although it has calmed down quite a bit, there are still little reminders every day about how it used to be. Glances, little memorabilia scattered here and there that force me to remember. As much as I dread these moments, they serve a greater purpose, I assume. I haven't quite figured out what it is yet. If anyone knows, feel free to comment. ;) As for me, anyone have an extra pair of glass slippers??