How Can You See Into My Eyes Like Open Doors
Today has been an odd day. I went to church. That was odd. There was like four people in Relief Society. There was about 30 when I left. That was odd. I got a letter today from a very unexpected person. That was odd, too. I've found that things that mattered to me so much before I left really don't matter to me anymore. That wasn't exactly odd, I was just happy to realize that I was finally starting to become my old self again.
My whole happy-to-be-home thing totally ended a few days ago. It all started again. The crying, the screaming, the constant berating, the running to my room just so I can hit something and cry for hours without letting them know that they got under my skin. I had forgotten what it was like. I think I cried about one time during the entire year at school. I just normally don't cry that often, it's not something I do. Apparently that's only when I'm away, I'd forgotten how much I used to do it around my parents. My parents are very much the type of people who have this idea in their head of how I'm supposed to be, and that I am always supposed to be happy. They just can't comprehend it when I'm not. Then they get upset when something happens to jeopardize their little "vision" of how I'm supposed to be. I know it may seem like I'm acting like a depressed adolescent.... but that is because I'm being treated like one. They attempt to treat me my age, but they honestly don't even get close. They never have, come to think of it. But my shitty relationship with my parents isn't anything new....I've just forgotten.
I've forgotten more than I thought. I realized that once I got here, and started hanging around people again. I forgot the feelings I had, what it was like to hang out with certain people. Things that are just easier to brush off when you're not so close to them. There's always that someone you know you can go cry to if you need to. And I almost did that tonight, but something stopped me. I don't know what it was. There's a lot of things that should have stopped me, and also a lot of things I have just stopped caring about completely.
Don't get me wrong, it most ways, I'm still happy to be home. It's just getting more and more difficult to combine the old me with the person I have become. Some people just can't understand that. But I'm trying to fit them together better. I didn't like the person I had become at school. So I tried to completely change it when I got here. Then I realized that I can't do that. I had to find a balance. And I think it's working quite well for me already. There is part of the old me here still, and that's the part that replaced everything I hated I had become at school. But there are things I didn't hate about how I had changed at school. Those things are still there. Hopefully in time I can stop the teetering going on now and find my balance. And not care how people expect me to act because that's what they remember.
I find myself staring out my window watching for someone lately. I don't know why, it's not really a bad thing. I've just found myself doing it. Who it is doesn't matter, the point is that I am watching for them. Watching and waiting, I never used to do that. I guess it's been one of those "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" things. I never realized. Never really thought about it, actually. But I still find myself watching occasionally. But I have better things to do. Back at school I didn't have anything to do but stress and worry about it. But here? I'm still me. I don't let it take over my life anymore. That's what happened to me at school....I let it take over my life so bad, and that wasn't me. I hated that. But now I still have a life. I haven't lost anything. And most importantly, I still have my sanity. Now THAT is how it's supposed to be. That's what I've missed.
My whole happy-to-be-home thing totally ended a few days ago. It all started again. The crying, the screaming, the constant berating, the running to my room just so I can hit something and cry for hours without letting them know that they got under my skin. I had forgotten what it was like. I think I cried about one time during the entire year at school. I just normally don't cry that often, it's not something I do. Apparently that's only when I'm away, I'd forgotten how much I used to do it around my parents. My parents are very much the type of people who have this idea in their head of how I'm supposed to be, and that I am always supposed to be happy. They just can't comprehend it when I'm not. Then they get upset when something happens to jeopardize their little "vision" of how I'm supposed to be. I know it may seem like I'm acting like a depressed adolescent.... but that is because I'm being treated like one. They attempt to treat me my age, but they honestly don't even get close. They never have, come to think of it. But my shitty relationship with my parents isn't anything new....I've just forgotten.
I've forgotten more than I thought. I realized that once I got here, and started hanging around people again. I forgot the feelings I had, what it was like to hang out with certain people. Things that are just easier to brush off when you're not so close to them. There's always that someone you know you can go cry to if you need to. And I almost did that tonight, but something stopped me. I don't know what it was. There's a lot of things that should have stopped me, and also a lot of things I have just stopped caring about completely.
Don't get me wrong, it most ways, I'm still happy to be home. It's just getting more and more difficult to combine the old me with the person I have become. Some people just can't understand that. But I'm trying to fit them together better. I didn't like the person I had become at school. So I tried to completely change it when I got here. Then I realized that I can't do that. I had to find a balance. And I think it's working quite well for me already. There is part of the old me here still, and that's the part that replaced everything I hated I had become at school. But there are things I didn't hate about how I had changed at school. Those things are still there. Hopefully in time I can stop the teetering going on now and find my balance. And not care how people expect me to act because that's what they remember.
I find myself staring out my window watching for someone lately. I don't know why, it's not really a bad thing. I've just found myself doing it. Who it is doesn't matter, the point is that I am watching for them. Watching and waiting, I never used to do that. I guess it's been one of those "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" things. I never realized. Never really thought about it, actually. But I still find myself watching occasionally. But I have better things to do. Back at school I didn't have anything to do but stress and worry about it. But here? I'm still me. I don't let it take over my life anymore. That's what happened to me at school....I let it take over my life so bad, and that wasn't me. I hated that. But now I still have a life. I haven't lost anything. And most importantly, I still have my sanity. Now THAT is how it's supposed to be. That's what I've missed.
posted by Laci04 at 8:01 PM
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