Now Here I Sit, So Far Away, Remembering All Our Memories

Well kids, this is officially my last night at SVU. Didn't think this day would ever come. I've had kind of strange feelings about leaving for a while. But yesterday and today? I can't wait to go back to Italy. I did the same thing when I first came here....a day or two before I left, I didn't care WHAT I was leaving...I just wanted to get here. Even though I leave tomorrow, I shouldn't get to Italy until Saturday evening.

If there's anyone I didn't say goodbye to, I apologize. As you can imagine, it's been crazy. And to tell you the truth, I really don't know who would be upset if I didn't say goodbye to them. But if I missed anyone, I'm sorry for that. Smack me over the head or something.

I will miss parts about SVU. Bet you never thought you'd hear me say THAT, did you?! True, I didn't exactly like this place all that much, but I do have some amazing memories of things that have happened here. From the very beginning of the semester when I spent around $200 at Wal-Mart (hey give me a break, I hadn't been in two years!) to the time when a couple of friends and I went to Panther Falls at 4:30 in the morning and stayed until the sun came up, to near the end of the semester poker nights; they are all memories I am thankful to have.

I've learned a lot being here, too. From people I couldn't have met if I had been at any other school, and things I couldn't have done. There's been a lot of hard things, too. But you live, you learn. And you get over it. That's life. I'll admit, there are a few things I didn't handle the way I normally would have, but you know what? You learn from your mistakes. And I have. I usually don't believe in fate, or that everything happens for a reason. But I do believe that I was sent here for a reason. I am aware now of what that reason was.

I didn't mean to write a sappy- "Oh I've learned so much! I'm going to miss everyone so bad! I don't want to go! I love SVU!" -post, so please don't take it that way, (if you know me well, I doubt you will). It's just one of those things where I have learned what I needed to, and now it's time for me to move on. Who KNOWS where life will take me in the next six months. But hopefully I will be able to tell most of you about it when I find out. But within 48 hours, I will be back to the land of adapters, gelato, HOT shoes, REAL food....and oh,yeah, that thing I seemed to have lost since I've been here........MY LIFE! :)

It's Just My Luck To End Up Getting Stuck To Everything You Are

So my father called me this morning. Woke me up. Apparently my mother got out of surgery okay. So all is well with that. He was also making sure I had everything figured out for my flight.....he has yet to learn that I've been flying my whole life, I'm pretty sure I can do it on my own by now. But ah, parents. What are you going to do, right.

I don't do well with goodbyes. You would think after all these years of having to do it that I'd be used to it by now. But after so many times I just stopped doing it, really. I haven't really said goodbye to some people in a long time. I mean, there are certain people I'll say goodbye to....others I won't. But we'll have to see how that goes. I have mixed feelings about leaving. I never thought I'd say that, either. But things have changed so much that I'm not really surprised I feel that way. Ah, well, at least my emotions were right about something for once. That tends to be something I have issues with.

So this whole post seems to be depressing and sounds like I'm in a total "I suck" mood.....but I'm not. I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Have been for a couple of days now. Regardless.....I did get some good news in the mail yesterday. Apparently I submitted one of my poems a looooooong time ago to this thing, and they published it in their poetry magazine, and sent me a copy of the magazine in the mail. It was so long ago that I couldn't even remember what poem it was. I found mine in the magazine and almost laughed out loud at how awful it was. It was such a long time ago, I barely remember writing it. Crazy stuff.

As much as it seems I've hated my time here, I really haven't. Not as much as most people think. There are times that I've just wanted to leave so bad I would have done anything to make it happen. But there are also times I thought about leaving and cried my eyes out for hours because I didn't want to go. The latter were quite rare, but they have happened. Either way, it is time for me to leave. I can just tell. I know that I came here for a reason. It didn't hit me until it happened that it was the reason I was supposed to be here. Because of that "reason", I know that it is time for me to go. Well, this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but oh well. There are things that I need to get back to in Italy. Things that I have to fix, things that need to be.....settled. Going back to everyone and everything is going to be hard. I have changed so much in so little time, it's going to be difficult for me to see people again. There's a lot of things I'm going to have to deal with when I get back, but ah well, it's expected.

So let me just say that I HATE when I get so close to something and NOTHING happens. It annoys me greatly. End of story.

It's Sad You Only Get Your Fame Through Controversy

Honestly, it makes me laugh to realize how much people think they know about me. And about how much they think they can pull shit with me. I've been fooled by the best, believe me. But when you are the best and STILL trying to fool me? I think that qualifies your actions to the "useless" category. But hey, I gotta give you props for trying. And you know who you are. If you honestly think I'm still wasting my time with it? You're so incredibly vain for thinking that. I have other things to worry about, thanks, and they don't include wondering what you are doing. Well, they may at times include wondering why you are acting so much like a three-year-old, but that's about the extent of it.

People can think they know as much about me as they'd like. But you really don't. You can attempt to use it against me as much as you want. But it won't work. I've learned from being fooled by the best. And you know what? Your immature little arguments and attempts to "get to me" don't work anymore. They used to, I'll readily admit that. But they don't anymore. I've learned how to fight back. I've learned how to stand up for myself. No matter what the consequences. Although lately it's probably been helped by the fact that I have absolutely nothing else to lose. Literally. So I suppose that has had something to do with it. But the reason I have nothing left to lose? It's the reason I need to fight back in the first place.

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to have a screaming match. Get it all out. But then I realize it's better this way. As strong as you may seem to other people, you wouldn't be able to handle it. You might think you will be able to, but honestly? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't. You can think you know exactly what I would say, or how I would react. What my fighting style would be. But you don't. You don't know me well enough to know those things. You never did.

I know there's plenty of people out there who think they know me just because of what someone else has told them about me. Eh, well, all I can say to that is consider your source, all right? If the person who is telling you doesn't have enough ballz to tell me to my face so he or she has to go around telling other people, it's probably not the best person to be listening to in the first place. But I don't tell people what to do. So you do what you want. It amazes me how some people still haven't caught on to the fact that I don't really give a damn anymore.

With that, I will leave you some lyrics, as I so love to do. ;)

- -Everybody's Fool- -

Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be
Have you no shame don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask
Where will you hide
Can't find yourself
Lost in your lies

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool.


You probably think you have succeeded. That you are so great at not letting them see you for what you really are. But you know what? You can't fool everyone forever. People are starting to see the truth. Your time is running out. It's going to be gone when you least expect it.

Said Your Two Cents Now It's My Turn, So Sit Down Shut Up ARE YOU READY???

So I don't even know why I am blogging right now. I can barely form a coherent sentence at the moment, let alone an entire blog. Tonight proved to be another interesting trip to Roanoke. Seems to have become a tradition. So have many other things, apparently.....which brings me to the reason I cannot seem to form much of understandable ideas at the moment.

(So this is a warning, I guess. The rest of this post will most likely be very explicit....if you have issues with that, stop reading.)

My opinion? People need to learn how to grow the fuck up. Literally. Twenty-something year olds should not find the need to act like three year olds to get attention. It's just a generally fucked up thing to do. Oh and just because you're unhappy? Doesn't give you the right to attempt to fuck up your friends lives because you don't want them to be happy. If you were really their friend, you'd respect that. Along with the whole acting-like-a-fucking-three-year-old thing......grow some ballz and bring up any issues you have with me to my face. I may be a hypocrite in saying that considering events of tonight, but I have my reasons, and they are not because I am fucking tripping off all the control I have gained. And it fucking amazes me how little common sense some people have. I mean, COME the FUCK on people....it's not that hard. Certain things, you just don't do. Call me a hypocrite, call me a bitch, call me what you want. But I had my reasons....and there is no damn reasonable explanation for some issues with lack of common sense. For one thing, if you hate me? Why the FUCK are you still talking to me?! Most likely thing is, I probably don't want to be fucking talking to you either. So back the FUCK off. And that's another thing....no one knows how to fucking stay the HELL out of other peoples lives and business. If I have issues with someone....it's between me and that person. So stay the FUCK out of it. If some of your friends do something YOU don't like, but they're happy? You shouldn't have issues with that. They're your fucking friends. Give them some damn respect. And I have to say that I am hella bad with non-confrontational people. I discovered that tonight. I can't handle just sitting there and not DOING a damn thing about it! It drives me fucking nuts. I literally cannot handle it. Thus, I take myself out of the situation as soon as fucking possible. I may regret removing myself from the premises....but I know that I'll be back. Because I know me. I won't be able to leave it at what it is. But if you're not fucking ready to confront me if need be? You better DAMN well stay away from situations that could initiate confrontation, until you're ready to grow some FUCKING ballz and do it. And sulking like a child? Doesn't help a DAMN thing...believe me.

It seems to me that at the moment, I am having a repeat of the same thing that happened oh, about seven damn months ago. And that was a time in my life that I never fucking wanted to repeat. Ever. It seems like what I wanted didn't really matter much, now did it. I keep finding all these shitty ways to blame myself about the fact that it's happening again....why did I not see it, I'm so stupid I should have known this time....but none of them can really be justified that well. The fact that the last time this shit happened, I didn't do something about it....I figured if I just left it alone, I'd get the fuck over it. And I didn't, really. I'm sure many people can attest to that. I didn't have enough of a backbone back then to do it. Now I do. I may not be over it, but I have gained many things from having experienced it. Things that can help me in my current situation. And I have hella planned on using those things. But when I got the opportunity, I didn't use them. And that pissed me off (well, that and other things.) I couldn't handle it. Maybe it's just me, maybe I was having a shitty day or something. But I disappointed the hell out of myself. And I fucking hate that. The only thing that would make me not hate that is if I actually went back another time and did it. I'm not saying for a fact that I will have the opportunity again....but if I get it? You can sure as hell bet that this time, I'm going to fucking take it. And you better be fucking ready for it. It's probably about time you stopped acting like a fucking four year old, and grew some fucking ballz, don't you think??

I'm Tired of People Lying, Saying What They Want About Me

I'm not one of those girls who pines over guys. And I am the last person you will see sitting beside her phone going "Ohmygod is he like going to like call?! He's not going to call.....is he going to like call?! Ohmygod like RING!!" I don't sit around inventing ways to combine our names and doodling them all over my notebooks. I don't instantly start bawling and go write in my diary if I get in a fight with a guy. I think the last time I owned a diary was too far back in the "boys have cooties" times to even matter. I don't traverse wedding magazines drooling over how PERFECT my wedding is going to be; cake, gown and all. A wedding isn't the foremost thing on my mind at this time in my life, so you'll have to forgive me for that. I'd like to accomplish some things in life before I get to shooting out children, thank you very much.

So does that make me wrong? Socially inept? Eh, maybe. (Especially if you go to SVU) But do I care? Not really. You have your views of relationships and how people should act, and I have mine. Why should you care if I don't judge my status on whether or not I have a significant other? Why should you care that I don't go around eating a gallon of ice cream just because I got dumped? Sure, I eat ice cream all the time, but because I want to, not because I'm depressed. So I think making out is fun. So what? Does that make me a slut? Apparently at SVU it does.

So I don't follow the crowd. So I do what I want. So I have issues with people. What does it matter to you? If you think any of these things are so wrong or so bad, that's your problem. I didn't ask your advice on how to live my life. Frankly I don't CARE, either. So what if I'm not one of those cookie-cutter little bubble girls that goes to this school. So what if I don't act like all these people here that have fucked up ideas of the world. I am who I am. I believe what I want to, not what other people tell me to. I live the way I want to, regardless of regrets or what other people may think. If you have a problem with that? Va fa napoli!!

We Were Both Eighteen and it Felt So Right, Sleeping All Day Staying Up All Night

So as I was walking back from the Exxon tonight, I saw all these people walking around on campus. And I thought to myself, "Wow, why are there so many people out this late?" Then it took me a few minutes to realize that it was only around nine o'clock on a Saturday night. And I was hurrying to get inside. What is my problem? When did I suddenly start equating darkness with having to run and hide, find the light? With having to be alone and not have any fun?

Darkness used to be MY time. I used to relish the time of day when it finally got dark. It was my time to do what I wanted. I could walk around town; just for hours on end; thinking things out that I needed to. Or I could go out and party, or just sit around talking to people. The point it that is was MY time....and I rarely got home until it started getting light outside. I don't know why I always enjoyed being outside in the dark. There are nights when the darkness was calming to me, serene. Then there are nights when there is just that spice in the air, and I know the night will be anything but calm.

It's starting to get darker later now. Summer is coming. For once, I don't have any idea what it will bring. The darkness....just the FEEL in the air made me ponder things tonight. How much I've changed. WHY I've changed. And how to get some things back that I need. So walking around tonight, I pondered on a lot of things. I walked alone, and then I stopped and screamed to the darkness, "You better watch out, I'm BACK!!" And I laughed the rest of the way back to my room.

School is Bullshit

Ok, so I know my blog has become overtaken by lists lately. I promise, this is TOTALLY the last one. I felt the need to compose this one and got much input from a LOT of people. So this is the result. And feel free to comment and add to the list, heaven knows there are many more that could be added.


Things I Learned My First Year in College

1. People fucking suck.
2. Sometimes the smallest, oldest restaurants have the best food.
3. 4 AM is not a good time to start a ten page paper.
4. Little packets of sugar stolen from the cafeteria make good snacks. (note: this was added while said person was downing about 19 of said packs lol)
5. I'm addicted to horror movies.
6. Google rocks.
7. Eating is TOTALLY optional.
8. Falling into panther falls at 430 AM in the middle of November after having not slept for two days isn't exactly good for your body.
9. Seniors in college can be just as immature as freshman in highschool.
10. Campus doctors don't know crap.
11. Pain pills are fun.
12. Leather couches rock.
13. Ben and Jerry should always be a part of your life.
14. Starbucks coffee should be allowed EVERYWHERE.
15. Smacking your computer won't fix it, no matter how hard you try.
16. There's no such thing as a good time to go to bed.
17. Roommates suck.
18. People don't know how to stay the hell out of someone else's life.
19. Most people are huge hypocrites.
20. Money SHOULD grow on trees.
21. Parents need to learn to let go.
22. Song lyrics make great away messages.
23. Relationships suck.
24. There's no such thing as "friends with benefits"
25. People can't be trusted.
26. Feelings are intensified when you're away from home.
27. Random roadtrips rock.
28. The phrase "you don't know what you've got until it's gone," is totally true.
29. True friends don't come along very often, but when they do, they'll always be there for you.
30. SVU is literally well-known as hell on Earth.

Wanted to Belong Here, But Something Felt So Wrong Here

Things I Can't Wait to Get Away From When I Leave

1. Liars
2. "Bubble" people
3. People who think they are better then everyone else.
4. Cafeteria food
5. People who are fake
6. Liars
7. People who don't know how to stand up for themselves
8. Hick accents
9. Being the bad guy
10. Drama