Confusion Reigns

So what am I confused about? I don’t know. I don’t know so many things right now it’s driving me crazy. I think I screwed things up with him. Big time. I mean, I was the one who in the very beginning made sure he knew it was nothing but what it was. And he agreed with me. Which, then, was the only option we had. Now? Now things have changed. I reiterated the fact that we are nothing more then what we are, and he seemed to want to disagree. Like he wanted that to change. Now I know he doesn’t want that to change, obviously, but I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had never set that boundary in the first place. I set the damn thing because I was scared of getting hurt. I’ve set myself up to get hurt too many times, and I wasn’t about to let it happen in this situation. Before, there was not even the slightest possibility of anyone influencing his decision. Now that seems to have changed. I mean seriously, if I had left things the way they were and not set those boundaries, would I even be considered? When all this started out, I thought I didn’t want a relationship. That I could never date him, anyway. I still believe that I probably could never date him, but now I seem to doubt myself more and more. Which makes me wonder, did I refuse to be hurt so much that I lost the chance to feel? Am I so scared of being hurt that I literally will not let myself feel anything? One thing I’ve learned in my life is you can’t control who you love. I’ve tried, multiple times, but it never seems to work. I’m not one to dwell on things that might have been. But I literally told him that I didn’t want to get to know him better, or become better friends, because I was scared I’d fall for him. How jacked up of a reason IS that? I thought it was a smart move at the time, now I realize it probably wasn’t. It makes me sound like a total bitch. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? I mean, who knows if it would have made a difference, probably not, but it couldn’t have hurt to leave my options open. Could it have?