Starving for Truth, I'm Closer to Where I Started

So I'm kind of in a.....mood, tonight. I'm not exactly sure why. I've just been thinking a lot of things over, contemplating my decisions and such. Wondering if some things are really worth fighting anymore. Maybe I should just give in, let it happen. As much trouble as I've gone through to make sure it wouldn't happen, you think I'd want to keep it that way. I'm thinking about how some of the decisions I've made since I've been here haven't really been the right ones, or ones that I would normally make. Which is why I guess I've been hesitating to make many decisions as of late. I'm afraid how it will turn out, I guess.
It takes a lot for me to admit I'm afraid of anything. The consequences of making one of these decisions frightens me very much though. Reasonably so. I despise being scared. And I despise letting one situation overcome my thoughts for long periods of time. I usually have amazing self-control when it comes to things such as these. Seems like lately my self-control has just flown out the window. And I hate that. I usually do anything to prevent myself from losing control. Sacrifice whatever good may come...just so I won't have to lose control. I don't suppose that is always a good thing, though. Neither is my awful habit of analyzing things to their death. All I know right now is that next month? Things are going to be a hell of a lot worse then they are now.