An Apology Unheard

So once again it seems I have talked myself into a corner. I tend to do that a lot lately. I don't know what's been wrong with me. I'm beginning to believe that maybe I am just too much of an impressionable person. That I believe everything I hear. Because deep down, I know that the things I hear are possible. I know that they could happen. So I work myself up over it. I make things out to be incredibly worse then they actually are. Who knows why. I just do it. And people end up getting hurt, because of my craziness. I just go off on people for no reason. I don't know why, I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't seem to stop. No matter what I do, I just can't. Most of the time when I go off on someone, I have no real reason to do it, I just think I do. One of these days I'm going to go off on someone, and the reason I think I am, is actually going to be true. I dread that day. Because that will be the day that I have gone so crazy, that they decide not to put up with it anymore. Hell, that could be TODAY for all I know. But right now, I don't really claim to know anything. Not one thing makes sense to me right now. Well, I take that back, one thing does. I know that I shouldn't have upset this person even if I DID have cause to, I still shouldn't have done it. And to this person, on the off chance that they actually read this sometime in the near future, I am sorry.

Hmmm....So Much for THAT Idea

As I was skimming down the page of my blogs, I realized that pretty much every single post starts with the word "so." Bad habit of mine, I suppose.
And it's now been about five hours since I wrote that last paragraph, and I was going to finish this blog entry...but I really don't feel like thinking right now. So I'm not going to. More later, if I feel like it. ;)

Crazy Talk

So today has been a weird day. I've been absolutely dying laughing at everything. I have NO idea why. Maybe it's all the pain medications I've been taking...maybe they're screwing with my brain or something. Or maybe I've finally cracked. Gone insane. Out of all of the possibilities, that seems most likely at the moment. Considering the events of the past few days, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Speaking of the events of the last few days, I figure I'll vent about that now. Don't think that just because someone tells you something about me that you know me. Don't automatically assume that whatever you are told is true. Depending on the source, it's most likely not. I tend to not care what people think of me, but when someone goes this low, I start caring. If someone goes to this great of lengths to make sure that I get hurt, I start giving a crap what people believe or don't believe. But whatever I say isn't going to change peoples way of thinking. And I'm not attempting to. All I ask is this: don't lie to me, don't always believe what you hear, and don't ever think that I would intentionally hurt you. Because I wouldn't. My friends mean more to me then that.

Sadness Breeds Anger

Out of intense boredom I have resorted to taking weird pictures of myself in random poses with my digital camera. Now that I can finally download the pictures onto my computer, the whole process become much more intriguing. That, and the fact that I have nothing better to do. So I might have strained my wrist....that's always fun. It's my left hand, too, and I'm left handed. "To hell with you and all your friends." That is such a great line in this song I'm listening to right now. That's what I'm saying right now to people. "To hell with you and all your friends." I don't care anymore. I really don't. It's just a waste of my time, so why do it? Today is definately a listening to Three Days Grace music day. And now I have a migrane, so, more later.

Summer Nights

So I was looking through some of my old saved emails I have, and I ran across a bunch with pictures in them from the Toppers Awards Ceremony that I went to when I was in Grease. This was right before I did Chicago. It brought back so many memories from both shows. How no matter how hard it got, we still had an incredible time, and it all paid off on opening night. (And for Grease, how it all paid off when we performed and won at the awards ceremony.) God, I miss that time. Life was so much easier back then. I mean, I had problems, but they weren’t STUPID problems. I miss the people I hung out with, too. It was a community theatre thing, so most were older than I was. We all became really tight. I mean, we kind of had to because we were pulling around eight hour practices, sometimes eleven near the show. Spending that much time with people, you’re bound to get attached in some way. I had so many different experiences during those shows…I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life at something. We made memories that most of us will cherish for the rest of our lives. I met the first guy I ever kissed and the first guy I ever fell in love with while doing the shows. It’s kind of difficult to forget that. Looking through the pictures, and seeing him, and all of the other people; some who had become my life-long friends; made me miss being home. Although I hated it when I was there, that was mainly because I was living at home. I don’t miss that. I miss being able to have a life, I guess. I miss working hard and something that I loved doing. I miss doing something I was passionate about with people who knew how much it meant to me to be able to do it, because they felt the same way. Some would say, well, why don’t you get involved with the theatre program here at SVU? Well, it’s not the same. When I go back home to Italy for the summer, I will hopefully be participating in it again. But the directors have since left, as have a few of the original members. But the point is that I will be back, doing what I love, with the people I love. Summer can’t come soon enough for me.

Two for Me, None for You

So I've decided I hate snow. It's annoying and it's cold. End of story. Today kind of sucked in general, and the snow just added to it. Skipped all my classes today. (not like THAT'S anything new) Ah but my day was somewhat brightened when I found I had enough money to buy a Twix bar. I'm a candy addict. Seriously. If I'm ever having a bad day, and for some reason you want to make me feel better? Buy me candy. It's the way to my heart, I swear it.
So this is really short, but not much to say...except I probably should be at poker night right now......

Early Morning Musings

Broken

I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain …away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore

The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone...away

You're gone away
You don't feel me here....anymore


So I guess I'm just in a "Broken" kind of mood today. I'm not exactly sure of the reason, there could be many. The fact that it is currently five in the morning and I am still up could have something to do with that. But I know if I tried to go to sleep right now, I probably wouldn't be able to. Too much on my mind. I had a conversation with my mother yesterday. She now believes that I am depressed bordering on suicidal. I'm sure she wishes I was home so she could put me on meds again because I am just "so depressed." Yeah, right. To settle things right here, I am not depressed, and I do not want to kill myself. Sheesh, that seems to be quite a popular opinion lately. Anyway, I didn't really know what to write in this entry....but I knew if I came up with a small idea, I could go off of that, and probably end up in a completely different place by the end of it. Of all the things on my mind right now, you would think I could find intelligent words to describe at least one of them. Who knows what I'd say. But this song kicks ass.

Confusion Reigns

So what am I confused about? I don’t know. I don’t know so many things right now it’s driving me crazy. I think I screwed things up with him. Big time. I mean, I was the one who in the very beginning made sure he knew it was nothing but what it was. And he agreed with me. Which, then, was the only option we had. Now? Now things have changed. I reiterated the fact that we are nothing more then what we are, and he seemed to want to disagree. Like he wanted that to change. Now I know he doesn’t want that to change, obviously, but I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had never set that boundary in the first place. I set the damn thing because I was scared of getting hurt. I’ve set myself up to get hurt too many times, and I wasn’t about to let it happen in this situation. Before, there was not even the slightest possibility of anyone influencing his decision. Now that seems to have changed. I mean seriously, if I had left things the way they were and not set those boundaries, would I even be considered? When all this started out, I thought I didn’t want a relationship. That I could never date him, anyway. I still believe that I probably could never date him, but now I seem to doubt myself more and more. Which makes me wonder, did I refuse to be hurt so much that I lost the chance to feel? Am I so scared of being hurt that I literally will not let myself feel anything? One thing I’ve learned in my life is you can’t control who you love. I’ve tried, multiple times, but it never seems to work. I’m not one to dwell on things that might have been. But I literally told him that I didn’t want to get to know him better, or become better friends, because I was scared I’d fall for him. How jacked up of a reason IS that? I thought it was a smart move at the time, now I realize it probably wasn’t. It makes me sound like a total bitch. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? I mean, who knows if it would have made a difference, probably not, but it couldn’t have hurt to leave my options open. Could it have?

If Only.....

Stupid people should be eliminated off the face of the earth and never be fucking allowed back. Ever.

Making Music

I forgot how much I love playing the piano. It's been so long since I have. Yesterday, I went downstairs to play, not in the best mood ever. The moment I sat down on that bench, my anger just fizzled away. When I placed my fingers on those keys, and started playing, all my anger and sadness came out in my music. I played till I ran out of music. When I finally removed my fingers from the keys, I was shaking. Never before has my playing been so intense. The reality that I had put such extreme emotions in my music shocked me. When I am in an angry mood or otherwise, I am very critical of my music, and end up stopping before I finish because I become so frustrated. But this time was different. Not only did I put my anger and frustration out there, these feelings developed into love and happiness, then to sadness, then to a final peaceful ending. I walked away from the piano that day amazed at what I had accomplished. I've always attempted to put emotion into my music, but never have I accomplished it to this extent. It amazed me that doing something that has become second nature to me achieved so much for me that day. People who heard me playing probably thought I was some crazy chick banging away at the piano. But I didn't care. I don't expect anyone to understand what happened, or try to figure out why playing means so much to me. It's something I do, it's a part of me. That's all that matters.

Necessary Madness

I have come to believe that I am going crazy. Literally. I lie in bed at night and realize that I have forgotten parts of my day, because at the time I was so completely lost in my thoughts, I don't even remember what happened. Does that make me physcotic? Probably. Do I understand why? Not in the slightest.

I'm the type of person who tends to analyze things to the highest extent possible. I can spend hours just pondering one subject, picking it apart and questioning every aspect of it until I come up with a solution or a reason. Sometimes I tend to overanalyze things, and somehow make myself believe that they are worse then they actually are. Not always a good thing in most situations. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. But apparently, that's how my mind works.

I'm not the most perfect person in the world, nor am I the most intelligent. I make mistakes, and most of the time I don't handle things as I should. I live my life in a way that is probably not acceptable to some people, but it is who I am. Most do not understand why I do the things I do, and don't bother to ask. Many people can't accept me for who I am. But don't try to change me. If you can't accept me as who I am, then maybe we weren't meant to be friends at all.

I am who I am. And I don't change for anyone.

Anything But Home Sweet Home

Ahhh.....good old SVU.....can't say I'm particularly glad to be back, but being here is a whole lot better then being at home. I did miss a few things about SVU though, which was surprising to me. It certainly wouldn't be the cafeteria food or the lack of things to do for entertainment, but being able to live my own life again without people breathing down my neck did have a bit to do with it. After the trip from hell I had to get back here, it was worth it. I have yet to accomplish the whole registering for classes thing....but I will get around to that sooner or later. ;)
Soooo this is probably the shortest blog I've ever written.....but I hope everyone will have as fun of weekend as I will!!

Boredom Creates Such Interesting Conversations

Okay, so I was thinking about things, and talking to some of my friends because we are all getting completely sick of the whole relationship thing, so we came up with a list of ten things that guys should not do under any circumstances.

#1- Don't ever establish a friends with benefits relationship with a girl and then decide to do little "tests" to see if she wants more.

#2- Don't tell a girl you aren't dating her friend ten minutes before you hook up with her, then hook up with her friend who you supposedly aren't dating the next day.

#3- Never call a girl a slut or other such names behind her back, and act like her best friend the next day- - -It just infuriates the people that you told she was a slut, and makes you seem two-faced.

#4- Don't ever lead a girl on. Ever. Not only does it make you a bastard, it's immature. IF you don't have the same feelings she does, be man enough to tell her. We will get over it, and probably respect you more for telling the truth. Trust me.

#5- Just a little piece of advice for you: GIRLS TALK!! In other words, don't go try to hook up with two good friends. You WILL get bitched out for trying to be a player.

#6- Don't date a girl just because you feel bad for her. That's just low, no matter how nice you are.

#7- Don't treat a girl different if you find out she has a crush on you. Especially if you were friends before.

#8- Don't assume that a girl is going to sit by her phone all day waiting for your call. We're not all that pathetic, we have lives too.

#9- If you have feelings for a girl, TELL HER....don't hide behind your ego. We know what it's like to be scared of rejection.

#10- And last but not least, be honest with girls. We can't say that enough. There are way too many guys out there who lie to girls. Things will inevitably turn out better in the end if you tell the truth.

Don't worry, I didn't understand some of them, either. ;)