What Do I Get To Get Me Through These Sleepless Nights

It's four a.m.









I'm dead.









And I never want to see him again.

I Had The Notion That You'd Make Me Forget The World

So I'm blogging again because I'm upset again. I do that a lot. When I'm upset, I blog. When I'm sad, I blog. When I'm pissed, I blog. I don't know, it's a type of venting for me I think. I communicate much better in writing then I do in speaking.

I know relationships aren't easy. I'm the queen of complicated relationships. I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I subconsciously sabatoge any inkling of a relationship that I have. Ever. You would think that after 19 years of life, I would be able to say I've had at least one stable uncompliacted relationship at some point. But guess what? I haven't. Babies.....alcohol.....other girls.....a couple of countries, things just keep getting in the way. It never fails. Which is why I came up with what seems to be my mantra lately: "Relationships suck. People fucking suck. Life sucks." Well it's probably easier to say that everything sucks at the moment.

Tell Me, Did You Fall For A Shooting Star, One Without A Permanent Scar

I must say I've been privy to a good dose of elementary school logic these past couple of weeks. For instance, my brother used to reguluarly inform me that he had five girlfriends. He's seven. When I got home he began telling me, "Well, now only four because Lexi's not my girlfriend anymore because she thinks I eat my boogers, and I don't, so she's not my girlfriend." My brother is quite a character, to say the least. He truly lives up to the whole dumb blond stereotype. He would make the perfect blond-haired blue-eyed dumb jock, too. Only my brother will go around looking for a toy for hours on end to realize he has had it in his hand the whole time. Only my brother would go up to his baseball coach and tell him that his sister thinks he is hot stuff. Only my brother would go up to this probably thirty year old Italian lady and say, "How YOU doin!" (Joey style, and yes, I taught him that.) And apparently the newest thing in school is to laugh when everyone says "cool" or "jerk." Obviously they now mean something different. According to my sister, "cool" now means Constipated Overrated Out-of-style Loser, and jerk means Junior Educated Rich Kid. Makes you wonder what they're teaching these kids in school lately, right?

My parents just returned from their three day long church camping trip. They left me with the kids. That was fun. Only not. I worked most of the time while the kids were at a babysitter, so it wasn't so bad. But still, not my idea of a good time. Some plans I had were called of because of lack of time, but I will probably end up doing it sometime this weekend anyway. Maybe I'll post pics of it up here, if my mom doesn't kill me first after she finds out what I did.

So I haven't heard from like anyone. I think someone needs to come visit me. Or write letters. Or send CD's. Something. I drank my first SoBe yesterday. I am a major fan of those, I've decided. I had a good laugh when I read the inside of the bottlecap. It said, "That's hot!" Couldn't have put it better myself.

Laughing With Your Broken Eyes

Let Me Fall

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little

I wanna be somebody,
I wanna be somebody
who can face the things that I've been running from

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived

It's October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all

Will You Come Home And Stop This Pain Tonight, Stop This Pain Tonight

It started when I had to erase his number from my cell phone. I was cleaning out my phone book and deleting everyones number who had moved since I left for school. I could have left it there, it wouldn't have made a difference. But I erased it.

Then we watched some war movie. Windtalkers, I think it was called. Sad that that would do it for me, too. The second we got home my parents started one of their usual screaming matches over something trivial- -my mom had left a window open, I think. Then they ran out of ammo for each other, I guess, and started in on me. The only thing I could think was, "Not now. Not tonight. No fucking way." So I ran up to my room and escaped as quick as I possibly could, before they started say things that actually HURT.

Maybe my gaurds are down, maybe it's being back here, I don't know what's causing it. It's just......there. That's all I know. It's just there.

The Worst Is Over Now, And We Can Breathe Again

Today has been one of those days that makes me want to go to bed at like four in the afternoon just to get the day over with.

So I just sat staring at the cursor blinking on the end of that last sentence for like, ten minutes. Gives you a glimpse of how out of it I am today. Although "Behind Blue Eyes" and "Broken" were good soundtracks for that ten minutes. Lately I feel like I'm floating around above myself, not really here. Like I'm watching myself do all these things on auto-pilot. It's like my body is here, but my mind isn't. My mind tends to be everywhere BUT here lately. Virginia, Florida, California, someone's house twenty minutes away from mine, but not here.

Well it looks like I'm definitely not going to Utah this fall. My grandparents said they already locked up and turned off the utilities in their house, so they don't want me staying there. I found another school in Florida, not the tree-hugging one that was my last shot school before. So it looks like either Florida or South Carolina. Unless I get another one of my whack job ideas and decide to go to England again or something. Which knowing me, it very well may happen. Or I'd go to California to be with my best friend. But so much has changed, her and I rarely talk anymore. She will always be my best friend, but we have our own lives now. It would probably be awkward. It seems to me like the last year and a half of my life I have been changing my mind every five minutes about my school decisions. Where, when, why. Flying by my ass, or whatever that awful cliche is.

I think it took me about three hours to finish this post. I thought it might help for me to try and focus my thoughts on something. Eh, not so much.

If All You Ever Wanted, Was To Let Go.....

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again

So hold me now
And say its not forever
Cause maybe someday, in time
Things will go my way

I've pushed to get through
A crowd of twisted souls
Just to find I'm right back here
Doing what I'm told

So take my hand
Don't let me surrender
Cause maybe someday, in time
Things will go my way
Things will go myway
Things will go my way

For all the lies I've tasted
Just loooking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything's against me
And the answers are all wrong
I'm hopin' that I find out
It was worth it all along

So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Cause I know someday, in time
Things will go my way
Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
What am I to do
When everything against me
The answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out
Things will go my way
Things will go my way