I'm Walking A Wire, Feels Like A Thousand Ways I Could Fall

"Life is like a box of chocolates.....you never know what you're going to get." Even though this is an overused quote from an overplayed movie, I still believe it. Life sneaks up on you and smacks you in the head with something you never expect. Something you're not ready for. Something you don't think you can handle. But you have to. So you muster up the little courage you have left, and get through it. And it sucks. It sucks bad. But you do it.

Life seems to have smacked me hard lately with something I never expected. But I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Feeling So Faithless, Lost Under The Surface

And this picture is for Racheal....it's the entrance to a shoe store, the door you see is the actual store. The shoe display is on an outside walkway. Shoe stores are usually huge, so this is nothing.

I also couldn't get this picture to turn....but this is a better picture of one of the rivers that runs through Sacile, I was standing on the bridge. 

This is another picture of the restraunts seating on the street and some building haha. 

This is a bad picture of one of the rivers that runs through Sacile. 

This is another part of the center of Sacile, you can see the bell tower in the background. Every city has a church with a bell tower on it near the center of the city, and the bells ring allllllll the time. 

Well I couldn't get this photo to turn so it's right side up.....but this is a sidewalk in Sacile, the city where I live. It's actually outside, but they have a lot of covered sidewalks like this. There are stores on the right and the road on the left. 

This is part of the center of Sacile, you can see the restraunts seat people in the road. 

This is the place where we had our highschool graduation. It is in the city where I live called Sacile. It's actually a theatre, and its called Teatro Zancanaro, you can sort of see the name on the building. 

It Ain't The Mind That Calls The Shots 'Round Here

I miss him. He needs to be here. Not Florida. Here.

Shaking On The Outside Because Of What I'm Feeling Inside

"How To Fix Everything"

the sharper the edge the cleaner the wound,
so i'll be keeping it dull tonight for i deserve to hurt.
disfigure the outside to show how ruined i am.
there's no pain and no pleasure when you're too numb to feel.

there's a pedestal across the room and if i try to climb again,
this time the fall is fatal.i don't deserve such and easy exit,
so maybe my spine can snap on impact and i'll have to crawl away.

i'm ready to take that big step, start tearing off the layers i put up;
or is it too late to be anything but what i am?
identify the problem, now let's see if we can fix anything.
just close the door and let me do what i believe,
cause it's better for us if you just let me leave.

i'm ready to take that big step, start tearing off the layers i put up;
or is it too late to be anything but what i am?
identify the problem,
now let's see if we can fix anything.
how to fix everything...

I Hate Myself For Losing You

I am the worst person in the entire world.

When I Sleep I Dream And It Gets Me By, Make Believe That You're Here Tonight

My house....well, part of it. We live in a row house (meaning our house is connected to our neighbors), and those are very common in Italy.

It was kind of a misty night, I thought it looked cool haha. You can sort of see the vineyard in this shot...but not much. Vineyards are EVERYWHERE over here...I tried to get more shots of them but it got dark.

This is taken from on base, all the mountains you see are the Alps. 

My brother and sister....this picture is a miracle because we can never get my sister to smile. It's hard to think we've only had them for 3 years....they feel like they've been here since they were born. 

Down the street from my house 

If I Could Sleep Forever, Would You Still Be In My Dreams?

I hate stupid things. I really do. I hate it when people get obsessed over them. It's a waste of time. I hate it more when I'm the person getting obsessed about it. It's useless, and trust me, I am well aware of how stupid I sound complaining about it. I get that from my mother, I suppose. She freaks out about the tiniest little issues. It drives me nuts. But getting obsessed over trivial things is something I don't do often, but I do it. And I hate it. But there's a lot of things I'm doing lately that I hate. They're little things other people probably don't even notice. But it's not like before, I don't hate them because they're not something I would normally do. I just hate them because they're stupid. I hate that I can't forget. I hate that I am obsessed with making sure I see. I hate that I can't control my thoughts, or my feelings, no matter how hard I try. I hate that I let my mothers petty little insecurities and annoyances bother me. I hate that I get myself into things so often, thinking every time will be different from the last. It isn't. I hate that every time I sit down to concentrate on something, my mind takes a detour down this path I can't control--twisting and turning until I can't stand it anymore and finally jolt myself out of it.

I guess I am a control freak. But I am not one of those people who has to have everything in a certain order and precise distances apart. The things I want to control are usually things that can't be controlled. Like my temper. Thoughts. Friendship. Love. God knows I've tried. I used to be amazing at controlling my mind, but it's been so long. I swear I just shut off once I got to school. I've forgotten so much. Even though I'm drowning in my memories lately. But there is a difference, believe me. It's like no matter what I do, there's always going to be this little person on my shoulder, reminding of the things I long to forget. No matter what I do, there's always going to be this person that I can't erase from my memory. This time in my life that I wish would just disappear. But it won't.

I Wanted You To Know That I Love The Way You Laugh

He is my perfect guy. I never thought there was such a thing as this. But there is. Back when I could have had him, I didn't want him. I honestly don't think I would have dealt with it well if I would have had him. I wasn't ready for it then. I'm not saying I'm particularly ready NOW....but a lot has changed since we last saw each other. It took a lot for me to finally admit that it had been him this whole time. He was the one who was there for me through everything; he was the one who lent me his shoulder to cry on, even though he knew I probably wouldn't accept it. He was the one who listened to me rant and rave about everything from other guys to the song I just couldn't quite get right at our practices. He was the one who drilled my songs with me over and over again until I was satisfied that they were perfect. He was the one who watched out for me, and made sure I was careful, when no one else cared how safe I was. Back then I thought he was just trying to act like my brother by trying to make sure I was safe, and it annoyed me. Until I found out. After that a lot of things were put into perspective. I was too busy falling in love with his best friend to realize that he was right there through everything. And he cared. Being the good friend he is, he didn't attempt to go after me. But he was always there for me, regardless of our relationship status. That I was sure of. Even if we were to have gotten in a relationship, then ended it for some reason, I knew he would always be there for me. No matter what. And that's a great feeling to have. It's been a very long time since I've felt like that. Too long, in my opinion. But like I said, a lot has changed since I left. I could have had him then, but I didn't know. Now that I know I want him, I can't have him.

My father is going to Iraq. Again.

I Can See You, Your Brown Skin Shinin' in The Sun

Haha hmmmm.....so life is hot right now. Summer is the hotness. Being in Italy is hot. Everything's just hot. It rocks.

You Thought You Were Standing Beside Me, You Were Only In My Way, You're Wrong If You Think That I'll Be Just Like You

Stay. Out. Of. My. Life.

How Can You See Into My Eyes Like Open Doors

Today has been an odd day. I went to church. That was odd. There was like four people in Relief Society. There was about 30 when I left. That was odd. I got a letter today from a very unexpected person. That was odd, too. I've found that things that mattered to me so much before I left really don't matter to me anymore. That wasn't exactly odd, I was just happy to realize that I was finally starting to become my old self again.

My whole happy-to-be-home thing totally ended a few days ago. It all started again. The crying, the screaming, the constant berating, the running to my room just so I can hit something and cry for hours without letting them know that they got under my skin. I had forgotten what it was like. I think I cried about one time during the entire year at school. I just normally don't cry that often, it's not something I do. Apparently that's only when I'm away, I'd forgotten how much I used to do it around my parents. My parents are very much the type of people who have this idea in their head of how I'm supposed to be, and that I am always supposed to be happy. They just can't comprehend it when I'm not. Then they get upset when something happens to jeopardize their little "vision" of how I'm supposed to be. I know it may seem like I'm acting like a depressed adolescent.... but that is because I'm being treated like one. They attempt to treat me my age, but they honestly don't even get close. They never have, come to think of it. But my shitty relationship with my parents isn't anything new....I've just forgotten.

I've forgotten more than I thought. I realized that once I got here, and started hanging around people again. I forgot the feelings I had, what it was like to hang out with certain people. Things that are just easier to brush off when you're not so close to them. There's always that someone you know you can go cry to if you need to. And I almost did that tonight, but something stopped me. I don't know what it was. There's a lot of things that should have stopped me, and also a lot of things I have just stopped caring about completely.

Don't get me wrong, it most ways, I'm still happy to be home. It's just getting more and more difficult to combine the old me with the person I have become. Some people just can't understand that. But I'm trying to fit them together better. I didn't like the person I had become at school. So I tried to completely change it when I got here. Then I realized that I can't do that. I had to find a balance. And I think it's working quite well for me already. There is part of the old me here still, and that's the part that replaced everything I hated I had become at school. But there are things I didn't hate about how I had changed at school. Those things are still there. Hopefully in time I can stop the teetering going on now and find my balance. And not care how people expect me to act because that's what they remember.

I find myself staring out my window watching for someone lately. I don't know why, it's not really a bad thing. I've just found myself doing it. Who it is doesn't matter, the point is that I am watching for them. Watching and waiting, I never used to do that. I guess it's been one of those "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" things. I never realized. Never really thought about it, actually. But I still find myself watching occasionally. But I have better things to do. Back at school I didn't have anything to do but stress and worry about it. But here? I'm still me. I don't let it take over my life anymore. That's what happened to me at school....I let it take over my life so bad, and that wasn't me. I hated that. But now I still have a life. I haven't lost anything. And most importantly, I still have my sanity. Now THAT is how it's supposed to be. That's what I've missed.

Don't Know What I Was Looking For When I Went Home

Well I got in Italy sometime on Saturday night. My flights got all messed up, (as always), so I didn't get here until a few hours later than expected. But hey, at least I got here, and didn't lose any of my luggage this time. It's like 6 in the morning right now.....jet lag sucks. It's weird being home.....I feel like I'm invading someone privacy or something by being here. The whole "stranger in my own home" thing...I assume with college students in my situation it's very common.

Went to church today. That was a trip, let me tell you. I got to drive though....my mom's not allowed to drive since she just had her surgery. So that was hot. It's going to take me a while to get used to the crazy Italian driving instead of the 25 mph speed limit in BV.

I haven't seen a lot of people yet, haven't had a chance to really go anywhere. But I'm already sick of hearing the whole "Are you happy to be back?! Where did you go again??" thing. It kind of annoys me how people expect me to be exactly who I was when I left for college. They think I haven't changed. But that is SO not the case. I don't know, I think my parents are still holding on to the thread of an idea that somewhere inside, I AM the molly mormon daughter they've always wanted. On the outside, they know I'm not, they've known for a while. But somewhere inside, I know they are still hanging on to that hope that someday I will be. But I think they have two other kids who will fufill that need just fine for them in a few years.

I made my own dinner today, I about had a heart attack, (it was at like 1230 at night....but it was dinner to me, so give me a break!) Funny how just the small act of making my own dinner is off the wall to me. As is having my own room. It's a mess too....my parents apparently used it as a storage space while I was gone. It's going to take me like a week to clean it and take everything out, I swear. But I don't get my stuff until May 19th....so I have a while, I guess.

I had forgotten a lot of things about Europe. Like they never use ice in drinks, unless you ask for it. And you can't just ask for water, you have to have a preference- -still, or bubbly, (still is normal water, bubbly is carbonated water called frizzante...nasty stuff.) You have to be a rude and obnoxious driver to get anywhere you want to go. You can't just be patient and nice and wait for people to go by and give them the right of way. You'll never get five miles away from your house. Oh, and some German people are amazing at making you feeling like you are two inches tall. It makes you want to hate anyone you meet from that country......but I've met a lot of cool Germans....so mainly it just annoys me how they can make me feel two inches tall. But come to think of it....I know a few AMERICANS who are wonderful at that, too. I blew out my blowdryer trying to dry my hair. This is what I get for using a transformer. They suck. Foriegn plugs and adapters suck. Too much extra stuff. But hey, I've only been here like two days and the list is already long.

Well, I suppose I should attempt to get some sleep tonight....or this morning. Oh, and proof that I've changed an extreme amount since I left Italy? I used to cringe everytime I heard Simple Plan or anything of the sort.....and I've been listening to the same Spill Canvas song for the last hour.