Stay the Fuck Out of My Life

Some people just need to learn how to mind their OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

You're Starting to Piss Me Off So Get the Fuck Away From Me

Things To Do if You Want to Get on My Bad Side

1. Lie to me

2. Act like you're better then me

3. Tell me I can't have caffeine

4. Make me feel guilty for something I didn't do

5. Assume you understand me

6. Insult my intelligence

7. Keep things from me because you don't think I can handle it

8. Try to run my life

9. Think I'm not strong enough to handle situations by myself

10. Let me find out from other people that you have issues with me, instead of having the
ballz to talk to me yourself.

11. Be the damn internet in main hall!!!

I Know The Truth Now, I Know Who You Are

I've had a lot of things reaffirmed to me in the last few days. Like why I never trust anyone. Look what happens when I do. I get hurt, and angry, and I want revenge. Badly. And that's never good. You would have thought I wouldn't have been blinded this time, because the two things are so closely related. But I was. It also shows how much people can deceive you. Most of the time without you even knowing it. When they don't care that they hurt you, or don't think what they are doing is wrong? That makes it all the more worse. I mean, you think you can trust some people. This goes to show you that I was right all along. You can't trust anyone.

Why am I angry at myself? I'm angry because I let it happen again. I'm angry because I didn't see. I'm angry because I didn't listen to anyone. I'm angry because I thought it was different this time. I'm angry because I was completely, and utterly wrong. And I'm angry because I can't do anything to fix it. All thanks to that person I thought I could trust. So what am I supposed to do? I can't do anything. Anything I say or do is going to be turned around and twisted to make me look like the bad guy. It already has been. And I can't change that. I can't force people to listen to me. I can't force people to believe me. I tried that with the last situation, and it obviously didn't work. Even THAT was dredged back up and twisted. It really
makes me upset to see the people that I thought were my friends be able to turn on me so easily. But I don't want to play the victim in anything. Because I'm not.

I hadn't planned on writing about this, but I knew if I didn't get it out soon I would have just cracked. Again. And I didn't want to do that this time. There isn't really anyone who doesn't have a biased towards this that I can talk to. Maybe it's better that way. Less rumors start. There's already too many lies floating around. I don't know, maybe this is a situation that needs time. Time didn't do the last one much good. But either way, some people just don't know how to tell truth. It proves I was right. You can't trust anyone.

I'm Jaded, Stupid and Reckless

So I sat down last night and wrote this whole long blog. But because the internet SUCKS, it all got erased. I was too angry about it to attempt to rewrite it last night. So I'm trying it again.

I hate losing control. So I never let myself. I avoid anything and everything that could possibly make me take risks. I will sacrifice whatever it takes not to lose control. Whatever good MIGHT come, I will sacrifice. I don't open myself up to be hurt. I don't let myself be vulnerable. Ever. I used to, I used to do it all the time. But nothing good ever came of it. So I gained a hell of a lot of self control to prevent it from happening again.

Sometimes I work SO hard to prevent things from happening. But lately I've been wondering why. I mean no matter what I do, it's not like I make things better in any way. Why is it such a big thing to me to make sure certain things don't happen? Maybe I should just let them happen. It's been so long. The circumstances are different, some things might have changed since then. There is a slim possibility that some good MIGHT come of it....but I've haven't been ballzy enough in a while to find out. I'm thinking it's about time I stopped trying so hard to prevent things from happening. Maybe I just need to learn how to deal with pain.

Starving for Truth, I'm Closer to Where I Started

So I'm kind of in a.....mood, tonight. I'm not exactly sure why. I've just been thinking a lot of things over, contemplating my decisions and such. Wondering if some things are really worth fighting anymore. Maybe I should just give in, let it happen. As much trouble as I've gone through to make sure it wouldn't happen, you think I'd want to keep it that way. I'm thinking about how some of the decisions I've made since I've been here haven't really been the right ones, or ones that I would normally make. Which is why I guess I've been hesitating to make many decisions as of late. I'm afraid how it will turn out, I guess.
It takes a lot for me to admit I'm afraid of anything. The consequences of making one of these decisions frightens me very much though. Reasonably so. I despise being scared. And I despise letting one situation overcome my thoughts for long periods of time. I usually have amazing self-control when it comes to things such as these. Seems like lately my self-control has just flown out the window. And I hate that. I usually do anything to prevent myself from losing control. Sacrifice whatever good may come...just so I won't have to lose control. I don't suppose that is always a good thing, though. Neither is my awful habit of analyzing things to their death. All I know right now is that next month? Things are going to be a hell of a lot worse then they are now.

My Heart's Beating Faster, Holding on to Feel the Same

So I'm starting to think maybe some things are unforgettable for a reason. I mean those things that, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get them off your mind. Experiences you've had...people in your life...anything that you just can't seem to forget. Maybe there's a reason. Maybe you weren't supposed to forget these things. Maybe it's something you are going to have to deal with for the rest of your life, no matter how bad it makes you feel. It seems like the experiences that get stuck with you are always the bad ones. The ones you would give anything not to remember. And the people...you know your life would be so much incredibly easier if you just forgot about them, or if they had never been a part of your life at all. But you can't change the past. These people DID come into your life...these experiences did happen. There's nothing you can do about it now other then to deal with it. Or attempt to figure out why you can't forget them.

I've Got Things on My Mind That I Never Thought I Would

These past few days have just been insane, I swear it. Friday I left for Raliegh with a bunch of people, and we ended up staying until Sunday afternoon. That whole trip was just one crazy ride. Then Monday night I got taken to the emergency room. That's always fun. Only not. Things have just been crazy lately. Not that I mind at all. The trip was fun. It gave me a chance to get away, get my mind off of some things that have been stressful as of late. I don't really have the desire to go into the details of the whole trip, as that would take quite a long time. But no matter how crazy it was, it was still fun.

I was contemplating what else to write about, and then decided I don't really want to go into any of that, either. So this is going to be a really short one that probably doesn't make much sense. Blame it on the fact that I am still recovering from Monday night(as well as the weekend.)