There's A Feeling That's Come Over Me

So right now I should be studying for my midterm I have tomorrow. But I'm not. That's what tomorrow before class is for. Man, I love it when it looks this nice outside. It just makes everything seem better, I guess. Reminds me of summer. And that always makes me happy.

You know, sometimes you really think you know someone, then they go and do or say something completely unexpected. And then you're like, where in the WORLD did that come from? Then you realize you didn't know that person as well as you thought you did. In some cases that's a good thing, in others, not so good. For instance, I just found out this person that I completely thought didn't give a shit about me, has had feelings for me for quite some time. Things like that make you wonder how much you really know about those close to you. People hide a lot of things....I should know.

Oh, and another thing. People need to stop thinking they know how I feel. Because you don't. You can't. So just....STOP. Stop thinking you know what I'm feeling, or why I do the things I do. Because no matter how much you THINK you do, you don't. Deal with it. Stop trying to tell me how I should feel, and trying to protect me. I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions. I decide how I feel. Not you. So stop thinking you know how I feel, or trying to convince me to feel the way you want me to. It won't work. So just stop.

The Nights That We Wasted Got Us Through the Days That Seemed Never Ending

So this weekend has totally been one of surprise visitors. Half of them I didn't even know, but it's all good. It was way fun. Unfortunately the one person I thought was coming to see me didn't show up this weekend. At first I was upset, but then I realized that if he HAD showed up? I wouldn't have had a chance to do most of the things I did this weekend. I still would have had a great time because of the person, but would have missed out on the rest. Ah, well, another weekend.

Woooo okay so I just wrote this whole long other part for this blog, and then it got too depressing and I decided to erase it (it was REALLY long too). So I went on a downloading music craze tonight. Not like that's anything new. I started downloading a whole bunch of old songs, just cause I could. Brought back memories, made me laugh. It was good. Corny, but good. I've just now decided that insomnia sucks, so I'm going to go attempt to get some sleep, but I doubt it will work. So for when I get up again, (who knows when that will be) anyone have any ideas for songs to download??

Our Lives

Remember that crushing pain? Yeah, it's almost gone. Not quite, but almost. I don't know if it will ever be completely gone. It may just be something I have to deal with having. But I guess it depends on future events. The pain is fading, though. I suppose that is a good thing.

So I kind of told off my parents this morning. Well, I shouldn't say that, I didn't really tell them off. My father sent me an email asking me questions about if I had learned from my experiences, basically being a jerk and asking me if I think I had grown up any since I've been gone, because they don't think I have. Then he said something that neither of my parents have ever asked me....he asked my opinion. So I told him. I went on in that email for about three paragraphs about how I believe that I HAVE grown up since I've been here. About how some of the things I have experienced here they can claim to understand, but never really will. Then I told them that I don't have to tell them everything about my life, some things are just my business, and they are going to have to accept that. And just because I don't tell them some things, doesn't mean I'm trying to keep things from them, or lie to them in any way. It just means that they're my business, and if I feel the need to tell them anything, I will. I wasn't meaning to disrespect them by any means. He asked my opinion for once, and it was time they heard it. Kind of a liberating feeling, actually. I am anxious to see what his reply is to that, though.

You know what? I really love music. Seriously. Some songs I just listen to, and the lyrics just mean so much to me at that exact moment that it's unreal. If I would have listened to that song at any other time, it probably would mean absolutely nothing to me. Music can make you wonder, hope, cry, laugh, believe, love, and a million other things. That's what's so addicting about it. It can provoke so many feelings in such a short amount of time. And with that, I will leave you with some of my favorite lyrics from a song they played at my high school graduation....the song was quite a bit overplayed in Italy, but the lyrics still rock.


Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've gotta believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

See the truth all around
Our faith can be broken
And our hands can be bound
But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong
To speak our minds
I've gotta let out what's inside

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, well can we get it right?

What Are You Doing Screwing Things Up Inside My Head

So I sat down to update my blog...and all I could think about is this question that's been on my mind all day. Is it wrong that something that shouldn't hurt me, does? Is it wrong that I get this crushing pain in my chest whenever I think about it? (and yes, I am actually looking for an answer here)

I Hate You But I Love You

So I got asked an interesting question today, that kind of got me thinking. Guys give girls so much crap sometimes...why do we put up with it? It took me a minute to come up with an understandable answer, although I'm beginning to wonder if there really IS an answer to that question. But this is what I said.

We put up with them because in some ways, we love them. We may regret it, but we do. We may not want to, but we do. Because guys aren't always jerks. Some of them we think are decent, then they turn in to jerks. And guys do have good sides to them, once in a while, just like girls do. Guys just tend to have more bad moments then most. But when they have those bad moments, it makes us remember the good ones, the ones where they were sweet and caring and cool and actually GAVE a damn...and we want more of that, but we don't know if they are capable of giving it anymore, or if we are capapble of giving it back. We wonder if either of us is even capable of loving. Or if we want to. We think because it never works out, why do people try so hard to get it in the first place. Then we remember all the times we actually did love the guys, and realize that that IS the reason we love...so we can have that. Because it means so much to us to have that, so much that we will go through all the pain and all the crap we get from them, just so we can have it.

But there are also times in our lives when we forget all that. We forget that guys can actually be decent people. Sometimes we forget that there even ARE decent people in the world. Because for me right now? Most (not all) people suck and should just....go die.

Breakaway

So I was (once again) trying to figure out where I am going to school next year. I had a lot of choices, SVU surprisingly being one of them. I was thinking about it, then I realized something. I realized I don't want to go to college next year. So I'm not going to.
It's always been something that was just part of the "plan" for me--you know,finish high school, go to college, ect. I never stopped to wonder if I really WANTED to go to college or not. Never stopped to wonder if college was really the right thing for me. I finally sat down and thought about it, and realized that it's not. So I made a decision about MY life. I'm going to go to massage therapy school in Florida, get a job,and work my way up to what I want to do with my life on the side. I can't get where I want to be in life with a degree. Sure, it may help, but it's not required. I'm not saying I want massage therapy to be my career, either. It's something I want right now, and I'm going for it. For once I am taking a huge risk with my life. Not following the path expected of me. All my cousins my age,
everyone in my family has gone to college one way or another. I'm breaking the mold, I guess you could say. I've always been afraid of disappointing my parents, or hurting them. But now I realize that they are old enough to handle it. They are going to have to handle the fact that their daughter is mature enough to make a decision about what she wants to do with her life by herself, no matter how insane it may be. Now I know my parents, and I know that they aren't going to react like this. Not even close. They're going to freak. But eventually they will realize what I did. How big of a step this is for me. It will probably take them a loooong while, but they will.
I always thought that my career I wanted would come naturally after college. That it was just something I'd figure out while I was here. Well, I did. I just never thought it'd be something I didn't actually need to be in college for. I know that my parents and most people that know me will get on the whole "Oh she's just being a rebellious teenager...she'll grow up soon enough" soapbox, but I don't care anymore. I'm doing what I want for once, not what's expected of me. I'm chasing one of MY dreams, no one else's. I may crash and burn, but I will have learned from my experiences. I know that I have a reputation for getting crazy ideas and not following through on any of them. But this is different. And I don't care if anyone believes me that it is. I know it is, and that's all that matters to me right now.
So I'm taking this huge chance with my life, and I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to have fun with it. It's completely insane and unexpected and crazy. But you know what? I'm doing it anyway.