There's A Few Things I've Been Meaning To Let Go Of Tonight

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not exactly the type of person to look for the silver lining in situations. I’m usually the one bitching about how badly life sucks, or dispensing relationship advice (which I am not by ANY means qualified to give) with the usual amount of sarcasm I reserve for most subjects. I’m not one to focus on the positive points of things, or to try to cheer people up. I’ve been called everything from depressed and laconic to crazy and fun. But I have never, NEVER been called an optimist. Hence the reason I can’t find silver linings, no matter how hard I look.

My parents decided to have a little talk with me today about where my life is going, and basically how come I haven’t gotten off my ass to do anything about school yet. Apparently they think I am lazy because I tend to not tell them when I find out or do anything that has to do with school. My father said, and I quote, “Things aren’t so black and white anymore Laci. I know you’re not used to it, but in the real world, things are not so black and white.” I know my parents don’t know me that well, but this is ridiculous. If they knew me at all they would know that I NEVER see things as black and white. I never take things or people at face value. I question everything, and analyze everything. Nothing in my life has EVER been black and white. Maybe they think I’m changing or something. But to them, I have been. I’ve gotten a little sick of the charade I’ve been putting on for so long. It’s getting old. I guess I’ve started to show them bits and pieces of the real me, thinking that if they can’t deal with it, well, too bad for them. Bitchy, I know, but I never said I wasn’t.

Back to the silver lining thing. There is none. At all. And God knows I’ve looked for it. Not something I’m used to doing, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I missed it. All of my friends have gone back to school, I haven’t started my new job yet, my family is finally getting sick of having me home - - but not sick of treating me like I am still a wayward teenager who needs to be sent to her room whenever she mouths off. I’m not saying I never mouth off, or whatever they call it now. Now I actually have reason to what I say, and use bigger words. Doesn’t quite qualify as mouthing off anymore. More like stating my opinion. If they knew me at all they would know that I do that very often, regardless of the consequences. I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately, for lack of anything better to do. And I’ve been spending a lot of money, mostly because I usually don’t spend a lot of money on myself, I’m an awful shopper. Apparently my parents now think I’m putting a pair of extremely hot boots ahead of my college education. Well. All right. Anyway, the whole boyfriend thing turned out to be quite short-lived, as did the best friend maybe turned relationship thing. So forgive me if I haven’t been able to find a silver lining in my life lately…well, pretty much at all. Ah, oh well. It’s not what I’m known for anyway, so why try?

You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Everybody's Got Something They Have To Leave Behind, One Regret From Yesterday That Just Seems To Grow With Time

Everyone is starting back at school. But I'm not. Everyone is saying goodbye to their summer, and hello to those they missed during summer. Starting new experiences. Sure, I'll miss all of this. But not as bad as I thought I would. I don't mind not going to school anymore. School used to always be the one stable thing I knew I would have in my life, I always had to go to school. I thought I'd freak when I didn't have anywhere to go or have to do the same things everyday. But I'm not. Some people I know have said that it's an awful thing that I'm not going to school, think of all the experiences I'm missing out on. But you know what I say to them? "What experiences would I miss out on if I WENT to school?" You never know what is going to happen in life. But school is not life. School is not the real world, no matter how large or how small of a university you go to. The real world is what happens after college. And apparently, I'm about to experience that a bit quicker then expected.

Why Don't You Pretend We Were Just A Dream

Blue, I’m getting kinda close to you
Like a shadow I can’t lose
Hey, you’ve been hangin’ with me every day
Now you’re gettin’ in my way
I know you understand me
But don’t ya think that maybe it’s time to move on

What’s up lonely
Seems you’re my only
Friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What’s it gonna take
For you to leave me alone today
Just when I think that you’re gone
You’re in the mirror lookin’ back at me
So what’s up lonely

Sometimes, I wish you weren’t by my side
Can’t you find another shoulder, cause I
I wanna leave this broken heart behind
We been wastin’ too much time
Find someone else to rain on
I’m really getting’ tired of singin’ this sad song

Don’t wanna give you a reason
To hang around anymore
You won’t be hurting my feelings
If you find another broken heart you can lean on

What’s up lonely
Seems you’re my only
Friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What’s it gonna take
For you to leave me alone today
Just when I think that you’re gone
You’re in the mirror lookin’ back at me
So what’s up lonely

I'm Torn Between This Life I Lead And Where I Stand

2 AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
"Just a day," he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, boys
so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand, yeah breathe
Just breathe, oh oh breathe, just breathe, oh breathe,
just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe

And We Feel Like The Rain When All The Words Sound The Same

I suppose I should have gotten something out of church today. My soul isn't doing too well lately. None of me is, really. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Alone and crying. Always. I've made a habit of standing at my window staring at the rain. Rain reminds me of last summer. Things were so much better then. But I made the mistake of thinking that this summer would be remotely anything like last summer. I knew it wasn't going to be the same. So many things have changed. I've changed. The constant rain lately seems to fit my mood. I can sit and stare outside for what seems like seconds, but then turn to look at my clock and realize hours have passed. It's a crazy world lately.

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

In My Mind, Everything We Did Was Right

Ah I love the beach. We went today. Most people who haven't known me during the summer can't see how I would be a beach-type girl. But I love it.As soon as I got out of the car, I just melted. Total relaxation. The smell of the saltwater, the sun shining with the perfect amount of breeze, the beautiful and colorful beach houses- -ah I just love it all.I went shopping for a bit. Found some pretty good stuff, as always. Clothes are usually too expensive to buy there, but they have great seashell type things for my room and really hot jewlery, among other things.The people are always nicer too, I swear. Maybe it's the whole vacation relaxing atmosphere, I don't know. It was a rather large city by the beach, but there was always little walkways and roads you can walk down andget away from all the noise, and enjoy the beauty of the place. I love walking around with the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, enjoying everything. I just love it. I hate to leave,but when I do, I come home so relaxed and tan, it's great. I wish I could live in a place like that, because I love how I feel when I'm there.I don't know what it is about it, I swear I just want to live there and never leave. But now that I'm done gushing about my day, I think I'll leave whoever happens to read this with a little....thing-

"Just when you realize life's a bitch, it has puppies."

Here With Me

It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror
I guess that I was blind, now my reflection's getting clearer
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again

There's not a minute that goes by, every hour of every day
You're such a part of me but I just pulled away
Well I'm not the same girl you used to know
I wish I said the words I never showed

I know you had to go away
I died just a little
And I feel that now you're the one I need
I believe that I
Would cry just a little
Just to have you back now, here with me
Here with me

You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart
And I wanted so badly just to be a part
Of something strong and true but I was scared and left it all behind

I know you had to go away
I died just a little
And I feel that now you're the one I need
I believe that I
Would cry just a little
Just to have you back now, here with me
Here with me

I never will forget the look upon your face
How you turned away and left without a trace
But I understand that you did what you had to do
And I thank you
(thank you, thank you)

I know you had to go away
I died just a little
And I feel that now you're the one I need
I believe that I
Would cry just a little
Just to have you back now, here with me
Here with me

(oh the joys of finding old cd's....)

Fragments Of Pictures Form My Core, All Strewn About On This Prison Floor

So watching television lately has depressed me. Maybe it’s the whole picture-perfect “why can’t my first kiss be like that,” type scenarios. Or maybe I just constantly live in a dream world. That’s what it feels like lately. I don’t know why I’m here, where I’m going, why I keep changing my mind, and well, basically why I do anything. There are only one or two people in this world that know me well enough that they can smack me upside the head and say, “Come back to reality! This isn’t you, and you know it!” Unfortunately one of them I rarely talk to anymore, and the other, well he just moved last week. That was right around the time that the only stable relationship I’ve ever had ended, and then he moved. Needless to say, that week sucked. It was really hard for me. Two of the people I trusted most in my life were gone. I didn’t really know what to do. Still don’t. It’s still hard. I don’t know, I think I’ve finally gotten to that point in my life lately where I’m rethinking everything. I don’t really know much anymore. Pretty much all of my plans for school or anything are just, well, gone. Maybe I just need to get out of this place. Start new in someplace I actually WANT to be. Where no one knows me, so they can’t judge me, or base their opinions on how they think someone in my place should be acting. Maybe I just want to live in a place where I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder whenever I do anything. Somewhere I can go buy coffee in the morning without it turning into World War III, or that I can order wine at a restaurant with my dinner without worrying that someone is going to tell my “mommy and daddy” on me. I’m almost twenty. I should be able to live my own life, right? Ugh, enough with the thinking. I have a headache.

It's Too Bad That We Had No Time To Rewind

You want to know what my life is like? All right, I'll tell you. My life isn't the easiest thing in the world, but I live it. I live it one day at a time, because that's the only way I can. Standing an inch away from death every day of my life isn't exactly easy on a girl. Sure, I get broken hearts and pain and sorrow as much as the next person. But I deal with it. I move on. It may take a while, but I do it. Because that's who I am. As much pseudo-mormon crap I get thrown at me each day, it's a miracle I have no regrets in my life, and that I live the way I do. But I didn't always live my life this way. It took a while for me to realize how strong my survival instinct is. I never much thought of myself as survivor. But I am. I do what I need to get by, no matter what the consequences. I live my life by each second, because everything, and I mean EVERYTHING can change within seconds. And you can't control it, because hey, that's life. But I am who I am, and no matter what you throw at me, I will always be a survivor.

What If I Ripped You Heart Apart At The Seams Maybe Then You'd Know How I Feel

Sometimes people need to send me depressing Spill Canvas cds to fit my mood.