It's Getting Bluer And You Can't Keep Faking That You Can't Feel This Anymore

So I'm finally tired of being that girl.

Apparantly I am the girl that all the guys cheat on their girlfriends with. Sometimes they neglect to inform me of the whole girlfriend thing. Apparently I am the girl who is always out for a good time and nothing more. Because I'm apparently hot and I like to have a good time, I have no feelings so guys have a right to use me. I'm great, but not good enough to take home to mom.

I mean honestly, do I emit some kind of bad-ass vibe? Some sort of I-don't-need-a-guy-I'm-too-cool-for-a-relationship type vibe? I mean, I am well aware that I put off a I'm-in-it-for-a-good-time vibe. Apparently in guy speak, "I'm-in-it-for-a-good-time" means "I'm just in it for the sex and you can do whatever the fuck you want with me."

But you know what? I'm tired of being that girl. I'm not going to do it anymore.

"But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago."

So Brown Eyes I'll Hold You Near 'Cause You're The Only Song I Want To Hear

I got a car! I would say finally, but that hasn't been working to well for me lately.

Everytime I Try To Read Between The Lines I'm Left Wondering What I Did So Wrong

"Had My Chance"

I have my chance what in the hell am I waiting for
I offer my apology for the millionth time
I try in vain to try to get you to just open up
You never have an answer and I never question why

I stare outside your window
Waiting for it to begin
As you turn I'll keep my head low.
Why can't you let me in?

I'm in your head, too bad I know that's not what I said
You twist my words til they seem good enough for you
You say I hurt your feelings and one thing is a fact
You think I'm disgusting, but I know you want me back

I stare outside your window
Waiting for it to begin
As you turn I'll keep my head low.
Why can't you let me in?

Out of your life but my picture remains
I never found the right things to say
Tell me who on earth are you fooling today

I've had all I can take
I'm leaving anyway
Somebody stop me

I had my chance why in the hell did I wait so long?
I offered my apology it's shoved back in my face
I tried in vain to tell you, why did I wait so fucking long?
I spent all this time wondering what I had done wrong

I stare outside your window
Waiting for it to begin
As you turn I'll keep my head low.
Why can't you let me in?

This One Last Bullet You Mention Is My One Last Shot At Redemption

I miss Ray and Megan.

The Sun Was Just Yellow Energy

I don't know what I want anymore. Part of me just wants to go to LA like I've always planned and live my dream. Massage therapy was never my dream. It was just something to pass the time, I guess. A temporary thing. I've always had the same dream. My whole life. And if I could get anywhere even close to it? I'd do it. But you know what? Something's stopping me. The same thing that has been stopping me my whole life from doing it. I'm scared.

I'm absolutely terrified of doing something and not having a plan. I'm scared of going and not having a sure thing. I'm scared of doing something and having to depend on someone else for help. Needing someone and being scared are not two things I admit to easily. Well I already screwed over that whole needing someone thing, so I mind as well succomb to the being scared thing. I'm not scared of being on my own. I know me, I know I can handle it. I'm scared of going somewhere to pursue something that I'm not sure I can accomplish. I'm scared that I don't believe that I can do this.

But I want to. I need a change. I need to get away from all the mistakes I've made this summer. All the things I've screwed up. All the people I've screwed up. I love Italy, don't get me wrong. I love my life here. Well, at least I used to. I was crazy to think that things would go at least slightly back how they used to be. Everyone's gone. There's nothing left for me here. Not really, anyway. Anyone that mattered to me is gone. Sure, I know my family is here, but I won't stay for them. I want to go for me. Okay so it might be selfish of me. But a girls got to do what she's got to do, right?

"Elsewhere"

I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In this space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence
If I chose to would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Oh mother don't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me,
Say it's not right for you
But it's right for me

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence
If I chose to would you try to understand

BITCHOLOGY

~When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

*When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

~When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

**Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

~When I refuse to tolorate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.'

*The same thing happens when I take time for myself, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

~I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

*So try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

**And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it!

B - Babe

I - In

T - Total

C - Control of

H - Herself

B = Beautiful

I = Intelligent

T = Talented

C = Charming

H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful

I = Individual

T = That

C = Can

H = Handle anything

So Accusing Their Eyes, Like They Have Any Right At All To Criticize

"Be My Escape"

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape

I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown out
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you,
I’m begging you to be my escape

The air is heavy and thick. It's crushing my lungs. Air refuses to move within me. Breathe, I tell myself. Concentrate, don't panic. Yet I do. The heat overcomes me. I sink to the ground, gasping for breath. Sweat drips in my eyes. Falls down my cheek, like a tear. Heat. It's everywhere. No escape. Breathe. I bring my hands in front of my eyes. They're trembling. I feel the rocks and grass grate into my knees as the shaking overcomes my entire being. Calm. Can't. Not possible. No air. Someone puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Are you all right miss?" the old man asks. I shake my head weakly. No. I'm not all right. Heat. My blood has turned to fire, surging through ever vein in my body. Can't fight it. My eyes snap open. Breathe.