Baby It's Cold Outside

Everyone is looking for something. They are looking for meaning, love, truth, justification, clarity. Anything to make them realize that they matter. No one can claim they aren't looking for anything, because it's not true. Everyone is, in some form or another. Some are just plain tired of looking, and are waiting for it to come to them. Does that work better? Who knows. Both have a certain way of creeping up on you in the dark moments to remind you that sometimes, everything is not all right. But you know what? It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to admit that you can't do it alone. It's okay to realize that having a shoulder to cry on helps immensely. You can have all the friends in the world, but sometimes, all you need is one.

And Feel The Sun Wrap It's Arms Around Me

I am starting to think that my history in growing up has contributed to how I act in some social situations. For instance...I don't know how to deal with people when they get angry. I really don't. I just kind of...sit there. Everything I attempt to say just comes out wrong or is something completely obvious like, "this sucks." I don't know how to comfort sad people...when a friends boyfriend cheats on her, I again, just kind of....sit there. I don't know why. I just feel like I am absouletly not capable of dealing with stuff like that. I mean I guess it's more of human intuition to know what to do in those situations. Maybe mine is a little off. I can't think of comforting words, I just settle for...being there. Is that really enough sometimes? I mean I can handle these situations in myself, but when it comes to other people I am just completely lost. Maybe the fact that I have moved around so much and never really made any close friends for long periods of time that has made me less equipped to deal. Maybe that's why I haven't done well with relationships. I don't know.

My Shadow's The Only One That Walks Beside Me

My opinion does not matter. I am either too young, too stupid, or too emotional. Growing up my opinion was never asked for. When it was given, it was automatically rebuked without a second thought. You cannot imagine how invisible this makes one feel. It took me years to realize that my opinion DOES matter. To grow out of the silent, invisible person I once was. But even now, I am still not completely better. Some things I don't have an opinion on. People do not understand how I cannot care one way or the other. But I really do not know any better. Whenever I offer my opnion at home; even now that I am older; it does not matter.

Don't Look Back Just Keep On Walking

Well I must say it has been quite a long time since I did this. I haven't had access to a computer much, and also haven't really had anything to blog about. Sometimes life gets to depressing to just rant about. You just need to deal. Which is what I have been attempting to do ha.

Anyway for those of you who were not aware of my situation, I just recently left Las Vegas...unfortunately. I really enjoyed my time there, and hopefully someday I can go back. But just for a visit. My heart is other places at the moment. But here am just living life day by day, which I suppose is all you really can do. And so yeah...not much to update on...not much has changed....if ya want to know anything else shoot me a message or comment sometime.....and I promise I won't be this depressing. :)

Someday You'll Find Out How Your Girl Loves Rock And Roll

So I just got back from a three-day trip to Germany with my family. The hotel was amazing; they had all sorts of stuff. Other then that there wasn’t much to do. But hey I did get in a swimming pool for the first time in around two years. The drive to Germany was supposed to take somewhere around five or six hours….it took us nine. We took a route someone told us would be slower. We went up one mountain, down the other side….like fifteen times. All of us were so grateful when we finally got to Germany. But then we had to repeat the process a day and a half later. Fun. Anyway all in all, the trip was pretty good, although I didn’t get a tan like I was hoping. :)

Having as much free time as I have these past few days I got to thinking. Thinking about a subject that I have come to hate as of recently. Everybody in life is waiting for something. Waiting for the bus. Waiting in line at the store. Waiting for plane tickets to begin the life they’ve been wanting for too long. Waiting for that moment that will change their life forever. Sometimes no matter how long you wait, the thing that you are waiting for never happens. Sometimes you can’t save yourself from the inevitable.

Where Is The Moment When We Need It The Most

So guess what? Its time for me to blog again! No way right lol. I wish I could say this was my last blog from Italy, but unfortunately that is not the case. Its getting closer though. But currently we just got the paperwork back from the states that we need in order to get my parents orderswhich once they get those I can get my tickets. Soooooo were talking around two weeks now instead of like, an eternity lol.

One bad thing about going though I hate packing. I dont just have to pack a suitcase now. I have to pack my suitcase, and everything ELSE I own. So lately Ive been separating all my crap into Give Away, Have My Parents Send Me, and Going To Need In My Suitcase. Trust me, its harder then it sounds. Normally the military packs my stuff. Last time I left the house, I only took my suitcase and that was easy to pack lol. You never realize how much crap you accumulate over 20 years of life and around a dozen different houses.

So I was thinking today. Life is made up of moments. Moments that you want to preserve forever in a glass shell, and moments you wish would just fade from your memory. The moments that make you change your way of thinking, the ones that change your life. You wish on stars hoping for moments of luck, pull out rose petals hoping for love. Its all about making those moments that seem so insignificant be the ones that count.

Everywhere Felt Like Nowhere, Everything Was So Boring

I have a feeling that I am hoping and waiting for something that is never going to happen. Sometimes certain things are just too good to be true. Something always goes wrong. But maybe I'm waiting for something that isn't worth the wait. Maybe I should just forget it and accept things how they come, and live with it. Maybe it doesn't exist at all. Days like today happen and I feel like I've done all I possibly can do to turn things around. I think well maybe I'm just meant to live this way. Maybe some higher power is trying to tell me to stop hoping for something that you're never going to get. I used to think what I was waiting for was going to come. That I'm not wasting my time. That it does happen, just that it's going to take some time. When most people have gone through enough crap, it usually becomes worth it in the end when they get what they are waiting for. I'm begining to think that maybe I'm not most people.